In Between

This is the 3rd time I try to write something since the last post. Yes, it’s been a while. Was it the end of June when I had my surgery? I don’t remember the exact day. Too many other things happening at once that took my mind away from what I was experiencing to focus on what was going on before my eyes. After my surgery, and all of the sudden, my mom began to transition. She passed on so quickly. The last time she reacted to my voice was Wednesday when I told her: “I brought your boyfriend to see you.” She smiled. But that Wednesday, she told her caregiver at the time, that she had had a conversation with God. That wasn’t the first time. My mom was used to talk to God and experienced many beautiful personal moments with Him. And we were used to hear of her encounters, conversations, and beautiful and strange occasions when things had been revealed to her in unexpected ways.

“My loved ones are waiting for me… and I am ready”, she said. My sister went to see her. She cried after she left, “I won’t see her anymore”, she said. Those were her last words. My daughter arrived from Japan Saturday evening. Sunday was a very special day. A day for her to hear my daughter’s voice again and for so many people to tell her how special she had been and in so many ways she had touched many lives. And for that I am thankful. She died the very next day, Monday October 25, 2021.

Silence, and sadness followed. I went back to work right away. Didn’t want to feel or think. Just wanted to go through the motions of the day, taking me from one thing to the next. It wasn’t until several weeks later when I realized what had happened. It hit me hard… and I finally cried.

At the same time, I stepped down from the position I had as the director of a nursing program. It had been too many things happening in such a short time while things continued to hit me hard unexpectedly. At that time, I didn’t want to fight. Didn’t have the strength anymore. My strength went away during the months leading on to June. Then, it all disappeared October 25th. In November, I had not the desire or the strength to fight back. So, I just decided to step back, sit down, and surrendered all to God.

My mom’s death brought me face-to-face to my own life. A long time ago, I had left church, but not God. I personally think that church can become a barrier to see and experience God on a one-to-one sense. Years ago, I realized I did not need anything to stand between God and me. I could reach out to him, depend on him, trust in him, with nothing more than his love for me and mine for him. I had seen my faith become stronger. But her passing, showed me that church was important for my dad. It was time to go back, for him. Time to open the path for him to experience once again that he belongs and there was still a place for him. And that he can still bless others. It was time to help him look forward to something else; something more.

Many months have passed from the last time I wrote something here. My strength is back. I am at peace.

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