In Between

This is the 3rd time I try to write something since the last post. Yes, it’s been a while. Was it the end of June when I had my surgery? I don’t remember the exact day. Too many other things happening at once that took my mind away from what I was experiencing to focus on what was going on before my eyes. After my surgery, and all of the sudden, my mom began to transition. She passed on so quickly. The last time she reacted to my voice was Wednesday when I told her: “I brought your boyfriend to see you.” She smiled. But that Wednesday, she told her caregiver at the time, that she had had a conversation with God. That wasn’t the first time. My mom was used to talk to God and experienced many beautiful personal moments with Him. And we were used to hear of her encounters, conversations, and beautiful and strange occasions when things had been revealed to her in unexpected ways.

“My loved ones are waiting for me… and I am ready”, she said. My sister went to see her. She cried after she left, “I won’t see her anymore”, she said. Those were her last words. My daughter arrived from Japan Saturday evening. Sunday was a very special day. A day for her to hear my daughter’s voice again and for so many people to tell her how special she had been and in so many ways she had touched many lives. And for that I am thankful. She died the very next day, Monday October 25, 2021.

Silence, and sadness followed. I went back to work right away. Didn’t want to feel or think. Just wanted to go through the motions of the day, taking me from one thing to the next. It wasn’t until several weeks later when I realized what had happened. It hit me hard… and I finally cried.

At the same time, I stepped down from the position I had as the director of a nursing program. It had been too many things happening in such a short time while things continued to hit me hard unexpectedly. At that time, I didn’t want to fight. Didn’t have the strength anymore. My strength went away during the months leading on to June. Then, it all disappeared October 25th. In November, I had not the desire or the strength to fight back. So, I just decided to step back, sit down, and surrendered all to God.

My mom’s death brought me face-to-face to my own life. A long time ago, I had left church, but not God. I personally think that church can become a barrier to see and experience God on a one-to-one sense. Years ago, I realized I did not need anything to stand between God and me. I could reach out to him, depend on him, trust in him, with nothing more than his love for me and mine for him. I had seen my faith become stronger. But her passing, showed me that church was important for my dad. It was time to go back, for him. Time to open the path for him to experience once again that he belongs and there was still a place for him. And that he can still bless others. It was time to help him look forward to something else; something more.

Many months have passed from the last time I wrote something here. My strength is back. I am at peace.

Peace

I found Peace today. She had been hiding in a dark corner of my heart. Actually, I found her next to Happiness. They were both hiding from each other and especially from me the last couple of weeks.

You see, for a while they were part of my life. Like when I made the decision to be in charge of “Me”. Or when I removed many years ago the dead weight of those that just took up space and had nothing to offer. Those that would be holding me back from experiencing life completely.

There was a time when I lived inspired to follow my heart in a moment. And lived to surrender myself only to what my heart desired. But today, today l decided that it was time to welcome Happiness and Peace back into my life.

Today I decided to allow them to run freely through the corridors of my heart. I decided once again that I will be the only one that will matter when a decision is made. And I, only I, will be the important one in the equation.

Do not get confused by my words. I am not selfish. Because the end result of these statements is simple: What I desire, and what my priority is and always will be, is to give myself freely experiencing many forms of love. And in the process, to always make room in my life to foster the only thing that brings meaning and fulfillment: You!

Illusions

The weather man announced 55% chance of rain today. Throughout the whole day I’ve been waiting for the clouds to close in and for the rain to start washing away the pain. I’ve been realizing for some time now, how much pain has been trapped inside of me… far too long. Today I have been looking forward for the clouds to join me as I search inside my heart and soul in preparation to the next couple of days.

I recently read this quote: “The day that we would be together would be the best day of my existence. But I’m living each day as my worst, because I know the day I’ve been dreaming of is just an illusion I chose to believe in”. Is it possible to fool yourself into believing that what you’ve been dreaming of will actually happen? I know what you are thinking. I’ve been living each day under the shadow of an illusion. I’ve been living each day with the desire to see all I want, and all I need to be met by others rather than fulfilling them all by my own hand.. I did one time. And lately it seems like I have forgotten how much it cost me be in the position I am today.

I understand now that for some life is an act; a show people choose to put out there for different reasons. Some might do it to get recognition. Others want to demonstrate they are capable of meeting other people’s expectations. Some are just looking for ways to fool others; I call them good actors. There are some that manipulate and use those around them. Me? I prefer to be real. What you see is what you get.

I want to go back to the old days. The days when I lived every day in the moment. No plans or expectations. Not relaying on other people, because people disappoint you and you end up hurting. The days when I left behind what was not adding anything good to my life. The days when I was living for me. I need to take my life back. I need to take every opportunity and live it with great intensity.

The rain finally came. But the rain did not take the pain away. However, the atmosphere feels different. It is time to take the trash out, throw all the illusions and all the unrealistic dreams away and start living in the moment again.